9 Ways To Build Sexual Tension With a Woman

Updated on September 23, 2022
Learn the 9 Ways To Build Sexual Tension With a Woman
Twitter Logo Linkedin Logo Linkedin Logo

What Is Sexual Tension?

One of the most important things in dating is chemistry. It’s that elusive relationship intangible that everyone is looking for. It’s that powerful spark you feel between your date. How many times have you written someone off because the chemistry wasn’t there? And how many times have you been written off for the same reason?

Too often, we assume that chemistry is an either-or proposition. Either you have it, or you don’t. And if you don’t, you should just move on. This is a mistake. Why? Chemistry can be created. Or it can develop later on. The only prerequisite needed is a minimal level of attraction between you and your date.  What’s chemistry? Some call it butterflies in your stomach, others call it a “spark.” A better name for it is sexual tension.

Sexual tension is that early relationship state of uncertainty, will-we-or-won’t-we anticipation. It’s a state of mutual but unfulfilled sexual desire. Sexual tension only lasts until the desire has been fulfilled—until the chase is over and the prize has been won. After that point, as long as the relationship is viable, the desire is still there, but it’s no longer unfulfilled.

We All Love the Chase

The key to building sexual tension is to stoke the flame of that desire while keeping its object just out of reach. We always want what we can’t have. It’s human nature, and it’s what makes it so easy to fan the flame of sexual tension into a roaring fire—if you know how.

Too many men think that “sex” is the most important part of the phrase “sexual tension.” It’s not.

The worst thing you can do is to make it obvious that you are thinking about sex. When you do this, a woman will react in one of a number of ways, and none of them are good.

• She’ll think that you are only looking for sex.

• She’ll feel pressured before she is ready.

• You come off as sleazy.

In all of these cases, she will be completely turned off and will stop talking to you.

So, the most important part of sexual tension is the tension, which stems from that unfulfilled desire mentioned earlier. If a woman has agreed to go out with you, she is already somewhat attracted to you or thinks there might be some potential there. This means you have something to work with. The trick is knowing how to build it.

Here Are Nine Ways To Build Sexual Tension With a Woman

Choose The Right Setting For a Date—and Pay For It

Nothing is sexy about a carnival. Or sitting in a movie theater watching the new Marvel movie.  Step one to building sexual tension is choosing a sexy setting.

The right setting for a date is a place where you feel comfortable and there’s plenty of one-on-one time with the girl. Does a diner booth give you one-on-one time with each other? Yes, but there’s nothing arousing about diners.  A sexier venue is a dark cocktail bar that is not too crowded and loud.

Here’s something else that’s super important.  A lot of men aren’t paying for dates these days. They’re splitting the bill with women. This is a total b*tch move on your part. Be masculine and traditional. Pay for the date, don’t make a big deal out of it, and show that this isn’t your first rodeo of taking a woman out. It’s manly and mature. You’ll stick out from the herd.

Smelling Good

Wear a darker, sweeter fragrance for a date. Something like Dior Homme Intense. You want all her senses stimulated when talking to you and that includes scent. If putting on a fragrance you’re unsure she’ll be into, do two sprays. If you know she’ll like it, go with four.


A lot of guys and plenty of women can’t dance. If this is a skill you do have in your repertoire, use it. Men who can dance exude a lot of confidence.  If you can’t dance whatsoever, stay away from salsa bars. You do not want to embarrass yourself and ruin the vibe.

Night Time Dates

There’s something unsexy about going on a date at 1:00pm. Also, the chances of you getting laid aren’t high. If the date lasts 4 hours, is sex really on the menu once 5:00pm hits? Unlikely.

However, if your date starts at 8:00pm, there’s a higher chance things could get hot and heavy once 11:00pm rolls around and you’re back at your place. The possibility of love making is simply higher during the evening. So, if you want to build some sexual tension, stick to seeing her at night time.

Conveying Confidence

Women are attracted to confident men. Too many men are passive or indecisive. When you're on a date, always lead. Don’t ask her where she wants to go or what kind of food she likes. Tell her where you’re going. Women like it when men make decisions. Because confident men are less common these days, she won’t be expecting it and you’ll keep her on her toes. That element of surprise creates a bit of uncertainty, which will build sexual tension.

Dressing Well

Don’t go on a date in baggy jeans and an old t-shirt. Wear a dark button-down shirt, crew neck sweater, or a high quality t-shirt with slim fit jeans. Make sure your clothes are pressed and clean. You want your outfit to signal sex appeal. Dark, fitted colors will do that.

Try not to go overboard or be obvious that you’re trying to be ultra sexy. For example, don’t leave your button-down shirt completely open with a full display of your chest. Even if you’re in tip top shape, its best to leave room for mystery.

Flirting Normally

Flirting is an important part of the first-date dance. If you don’t flirt at all, she’ll think you’re not interested, which can kill the tension if she completely pulls away. If you flirt too much, you’ll come off as too interested, which will eliminate uncertainty and the sexual tension along with it.

Laugh at her jokes, smile, and engage in light physical contact.  A brief touch on the shoulder or a light hand on her back as you walk out is ok on a first date.

And don’t underestimate the importance of eye contact. A lingering gaze can activate those butterflies and raise the sexual tension to the next level. Above all, always make eye contact when she is talking, to show that you’re listening. It’s just good manners.

Don’t spend your time looking around the room at everyone else. Don’t laugh too hard at her quips. And don’t drape your arm around her shoulder on the first date. Follow these tips and you can maintain and grow the sexual tension as the night goes on. Speaking of body language...

Sitting with a slouched back, mumbling, and checking your phone does nothing for building sexual tension. Instead, sit up straight, talk slow and loud enough to be heard. You want to look dominant and masculine. Not looking at your phone shows self-control, which is always in demand.

Shutting Up

Don’t talk too much. This one is very important.  The number one way to kill of any chances of building sexual tension of is by yapping away. When you talk too much, a few things happen.

- You give too much away. Telling her your entire life story on the first date removes any mystery about you. Without mystery, there’s no sexual tension. Give her the chance to get to know you gradually, peeling away layers like an onion.

- You don’t listen. If you’re talking, you’re not listening. If you never give her the chance to talk about herself, you’ll come off as self-involved and conceited.

- You might offend her. When you talk too much with someone you don’t know well, you run the risk of saying something she might find offensive without even realizing it.

- You eliminate the chance of electric silences. It’s hard to build sexual tension when you’re always jabbering away.

When in doubt, err on the side of less conversation.

Going Easy On The Jokes

Resist the impulse to make too many jokes. Humor functions as a facade—if you joke all the time, she can’t really get to know you. You will come off as insincere and not serious. Neither of these are attractive qualities to a woman who is looking for a relationship. You’ll also appear like you’re hiding something by not actively engaging in a more serious conversation with her.

Similarly, don’t be too playful with her. Playfulness shows that you feel familiar with her, and you shouldn’t. You don’t know her yet. And remember…

It’s an Art, not a Science

There’s no foolproof formula for building sexual tension.

It takes some finesse and requires thinking on your feet to adjust to the situation.

But if you follow these tips, you’ll be better prepared to fan that flame and keep the sexual tension at the right temperature.

Avatar for Kamilla - Men's Dating Coach


Men's Dating Coach

I'm a men's dating coach with over 300,000 social media followers and 25,000+ email subscribers. I’ve coached hundreds of men from all over the world and helped them with dating, relationships, and self-improvement.